The Importance of Self-Care
This is a familiar story.
You’ve struggled all Monday to keep your happy face on, because Sunday was a bummer in a big way. And you’ve been successful!
No one noticed that the smile isn’t genuine. You’ve been able to converse with others, and provide support to them. Its four thirty, and you’re about ready to take a deep breath, and let go of the worries of the day.
Then you see HIM. You know HIM – the guy everyone avoids. They avoid him because he is Eeyore personified – always looks on the dark side of life. It’s said that no one has ever heard him say one kind thing. Or happy thing. He is Number One Buzz Kill in the office.
You’re not aware of it, but your eyes drop to the floor, and your shoulders start to roll into a ball, as if you can fold into yourself and he won’t see you. Your system is full or adrenaline, but there’s nowhere to run. So far, your prayers that the floor swallow you haven’t come true.
You feel it would be impolite to run away without saying anything, and you’re not an impolite person by any means. But you just don’t know if you have the energy to talk to Eeyore, er, Steve. Your usual MO is to ignore your feelings of discomfort and listen as long as the other person keeps talking.
You fantasize about slipping away without saying anything, just pretending that you’ve not seen him. Then your mother pops in your head and sternly tells you, “I didn’t raise you that way. Now put on a big smile and stand there and listen.” Your body starts to shake and sweat contemplating this nicety which you feel would be too much for you right now. An overwhelming sense of dread comes over you and your fight or flight system has engaged and…you’re out the door so quickly, it makes the hair on his head blow in your wake.
Once you reach your car, your heart slows down, your breathing returns to normal, and you’re no longer shaking or sweating. No more feeling of impending doom, but you still want to get out of there. So, you drive away.
On your drive home, monkey mind kicks in and all the negative thoughts that come with it. You’re making yourself feel guilty for the way you left; your mom’s voice is telling you that she didn’t raise you that way; part of you imagines how bad you would feel if someone did that to you. What seems like hundreds of negative thoughts swirl around in your head. And if you listen really, really carefully, one you may have never heard before. A teeny tiny voice you rarely if ever listen to, “It’s ok to take care of yourself…” You really want to believe that voice, to give yourself permission to practice self-care, but it’s so hard.
Have you had it drilled into your head that taking care of yourself is selfish; that your needs don’t matter, and you should always put others first? Have you gone years wearing bras that dig into your flesh, or underwear that have no more elastic and are clipped on to with a safety pin? Your shoes have holes in them, and you can’t recall the last time you did anything small for yourself without feeling guilty.
One of my favorite examples of self-care, and the importance of it, comes from the FAA and you all know it if you’ve flown. “If the mask drops from the ceiling of the plane, please secure the mask around your face before helping anyone else,” (or something like that, sadly I have no eidetic memory).
If you can’t yet bring yourself to feel that it’s ok to take care of yourself, then I want you to know that if you don’t practice self-care, you’re going to have a hard time taking care of anyone else. If you’re on that airplane, and the mask drops down and you put the mask on the person on your right and not yourself, chances are that if the person on your left needs assistance, you’re going to be passed out from lack of O2 and unable to help them.
If you’re absolutely guilt ridden at the thought of practicing self-care, remind yourself that if you’re not taken care of, then you can’t care for anyone else, or help them effectively.
You want people to see you as strong, confident, and able. It’s very hard to be those things when your own needs aren’t being met.
Do yourself a favor, take care of yourself. You don’t have to ignore everyone else, but one small act may make the difference between running away from someone in need, or having the energy to be empathic.
Wishing you self-love, happiness, and serenity,
Mechele
Mechele de Avila Evans, LCSW