“I’m going to Blow up! I’ve held my feelings in so long that they are going to erupt like Mount Vesuvius.”
Have you ever gotten angry at someone and chose not to tell them? To hold it in?
Sometimes, that is clearly a wise choice, like in the example of road rage. However, other times it is not.
When we stuff our feelings, they fester and grow until we can no longer contain them, or the resentment that comes from biting our tongue.
When we fear speaking our feelings and standing up for ourselves we can feel like a doormat.
Sometimes we go from being a doormat to being aggressive, yelling, cursing, and expressing ourselves in a way that can be seen as threatening.
What we want is to find that middle ground of being assertive.
Let me give you some examples:
“Oh, I don’t really want to watch your dog for a month, but I guess if no one else can do it and if it will make you angry that I don’t then I will do it.” Doormat!
“No, I don’t want to watch your dog. Please don’t ask for an explanation, just accept what I have said. I won’t sway on this.” Some may say that this is aggressive, but it’s really assertive. You don’t need to explain why you can’t do something or don’t want to do something. If you do, it opens you up to being manipulated.
“Hell no! I hate animals, and I shoot them for fun.” This is aggressive, and a bit threatening.
“Screw you, don’t ever ask me to do you a favor. In fact, I don’t want to associate with you any longer, get lost.” Again, aggressive.
Is it easy to see the difference, or do you struggle with it?
When we are used to being a doormat, we struggle with being able to find the middle ground that comes with practice. Most of us swing from one extreme to the other for a while before we get it.
Do you remember the commercial that was on not too long ago for Twix? People were asked a question and chose to eat the whole candy bar and think about their response before stating it. I think that this is a good idea as it gives you time to check in with yourself and see how you want to respond, rather than responding automatically and possible becoming aggressive or a doormat.
Of course, you don’t have to have candy, you can just chose to take a deep breath and think about it. If someone pressures you they are most likely being manipulative and you don’t need that.
Take your time to know your mind before you make the decision. If we can count to ten to get rid of anger and respond appropriately what’s to stop us from counting to ten, or higher, to check in with ourselves before we make a decision?
It’s better to check in with yourself than to give an answer that you’re not sure of or flake out on someone because you said you would do something that you don’t want to do.
Try it and see how it works.
Wishing you much happiness, middle ground, and serenity,
Mechele