When women say this, they think their partner is cheating on them. But more often, it’s the little things they’re thinking, and most men don’t know this. Lack of trust and broken promises can lead to thoughts of cheating and betrayal.
Does he keep promising to do something around the house that, three years later, still isn’t done? Has he lied to you about something little, like being at church when you were at the game?
Here’s how some women see it:
“If he’s going to lie to me about something little like skipping church to go to the game, what big lies is he hiding?”
“You know, he’s been saying he’ll fix that door for three years and it doesn’t get done. I just can’t trust him to keep his word.”
The last time I discussed this with a couple, the man’s jaw dropped when he heard this, and his wife validated it. She didn’t think that he was cheating, but, to her, these transgressions were enough to make her want to stop trusting him. He had a very hard time understanding that this is the way his wife perceived these issues.
These little problems fester and turn into bigger problems when we don’t feel we can discuss them with our partner. There builds up a lack of trust, and we feel resentful.
We may keep a list in our head of every time he said he would do something and didn’t – those things are kept at the front of our brains so that we “see” them often.
For my couple above, the man had a good reason why he didn’t fix the door. He said that every time he was getting ready to do it, his wife wanted him to do somethings else, so it never got done. She agreed, and once she realized he was feeling overwhelmed, at times, they decided to prioritize things in a different way so they could both be happy.
But without learning some communication skills first, and her wanting to trust him again, this might not have happened.
Communicating isn’t just telling your partner about how the day went, although that is important. It’s also important to feel heard, and safe with your partner so that you can explain why you feel that way.
When our partners hear us, and validate us, we feel good, we get good feedback, and hopefully we will continue to keep lines of communication open.
Take the time to talk to your partner and find out why she feels this way.
Women, take a chance that he really does want to understand, and open up to him if you feel it is safe. If you don’t feel it is safe, it may be time for you to see a marital therapist.