“I’m no good.”
“If people really knew me they wouldn’t like me.”
“There’s something wrong with me.”
“I will never amount to anything.”
“The only time I have worth is when I am doing something for someone else.”
Negative thoughts like these feed the idea that we need to put everyone before us – their needs come before our own. Somewhere (usually childhood), we received these messages, and they stuck in our head and we can’t seem to get them out.
Barb had these thoughts, but she never let anyone know.
In session, Barb talked about how much she did for other people, and how at the end of the day she felt that she had nothing left for herself. She began to resent the people she did things for and blame them for asking so much from her.
Never did it occur to Barb that she could say “no” to any request if she wanted to, as she had been taught to put others first. She also feared losing the few friends she had if she said no to them – yet, at the same time, she felt very used. She felt out of balance.
This had been Barb’s MO ever since she could remember, and it never occurred to her that she had the power to change this behavior. She had the power to see if she really wanted to do it, or had the energy to do it, and simply say no. No apologies were needed and no excuses. Just “no”.
“No,” was a very difficult concept for Barb. When told about the scenario where the masks drop out of the ceiling of the airplane (see Monday’s blog) she said she would take care of the person next to her and they would take care of her.
After doing something for someone, that she didn’t really want to do in the first place, Barb would get angry with that person if she felt that they didn’t give her the gratitude she deserved. Often times, she was disappointed and thought few people really gave her the gratitude she felt was owed her.
Barb rarely asked anyone else for favors as she was used to people turning her down when she asked for things, “If you never expect anything, you’ll never be disappointed,” she often said. Barb’s negative thoughts and expectations kept her depressed. From forming the type of relationships that she so desperately wanted.
During her childhood, Barb stated her mother often said “mean things” about her that made her feel unworthy of unconditional love. She really held on to those negative beliefs, and they became a part of her. She felt helpless to stop these thoughts or change them.
In treatment, Barb and I decided to go back to those childhood memories that she hung on to so tightly.
Many therapists had tried many different approaches with Barb in the past, but none of them seemed to work. Barb decided that she would like to try EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), because she never used it before. She thought it might be a quicker way to get rid of these old thoughts.
Barb and I worked on these thoughts through EMDR. She liked the EMDR as there was no homework involved and she had a hard time remembering to do homework. After some sessions Barb began to believe less and less that those negative thoughts she had about herself were true. As our work continued, Barb began to be assertive where once she varied from being doormat to being aggressive.
She was excited about the changes that were taking place in her life and she noticed that her depression didn’t flare up as often.
EMDR is just one of many was of addressing those negative thoughts. Want to learn more about EMDR?
Check in on Friday and read the blog. I hope to see you then!
Much happiness, love and serenity,
Mechele