Unhappiness in a Relationship
“I have experienced unhappiness in a relationship for almost a decade, and he never knew!”
This is sad, but true.
John Gottman has found in his practice that, on average, one partner spent 6 years of unhappiness in a relationship before the couple tried counseling.
Counseling is often a last ditch effort to save a marriage, or a way to save the marriage before getting out.
Often, a couple comes to see me, and the wife has been unhappy for so long, and the partner had no inkling that it was that bad.
That’s six years of anger, bitterness, and resentment that most couples want resolved in three sessions.
I’m a Social Worker, not a Miracle Worker!
Trying to work past six years of bad feelings, or to get a couple to learn how to communicate effectively – without all of that anger – is difficult.
A couple has to be dedicated to working it out. They must temporarily leave bad feelings aside to receive new information if they’re going to work through this.
If dedication to seeing this work is not there, then we may as well just hit each other over the head with foam bats for fifty minutes. No, we’re not really going to do that, although sadly, some marital therapists used to do just that.
The first step I like to teach my couples is how to more appropriately communicate and listen to each other.
Gottman identified four horsemen (four problems) that can kill a relationship, and their antidotes:
DON’T
- Criticize
- Be Defensive
- Be Contemptuous
- Stonewall
DO
- Use a Gentle Start Up
- Take Responsibility
- Build a Culture of Appreciation
- Physiological Self-Soothing
If we did these things consistently, we most likely wouldn’t have run into problems in our relationship.
Instead of being critical of your partner, try letting them know gently why you are upset.
“I feel like you’re a butthead who never listens to me,” is not considered a gentle start up.
“I feel like I’m not important when you agree to do something and it doesn’t get done,” is a gentle start up. Watch that tone!
“OK, I understand why you don’t feel important when I tell you we’re going to go to lunch at noon and you get all dressed up and I don’t show up until 12:30. I stink,” is admitting that you had some responsibility in the problem.
“OMG, you’re always late, I don’t know why I try anymore,” said while eyes are rolling, and you are sneering is not building a culture of appreciation.
Did you know that, according to Gottman’s research, it takes five good things to make up for one bad thing?
If you accidentally tell them that those pants make them look fat, they’re going to need to hear five good things for them to let it go (hopefully they can let it go). Most of us don’t know this, and don’t have a culture of appreciation with our partner.
Stonewalling happens more often with men than women, and effects women more negatively than men. It’s when you’re speaking to your partner, but you may as well be speaking to a brick wall. You’re getting nothing back, no words, no emotion, no eye contact, nada.
When you’re talking to someone, for whatever reason, and they’ve withdrawn from the conversation, they will not respond to anything that you may say. The best thing to do if you’re stonewalling is to realize it, stop it, and tell your partner that you need some time alone to self-soothe, and come back to the conversation when you’re both calm.
Self-soothing is a wonderful thing that I teach my clients. It can be done with breath work, meditation, visualization, etc. In this case, it can be you not thinking about your partner in any way, or the argument. Go knit, box, read a magazine, work a puzzle, pet your hamster, whatever.
It’s imperative that this is done without being critical, defensive, or contemptuous. Communicate to your partner that you need to be alone for x amount of time, and you need to return to the conversation once you’re both calm. Running away from the conversation and never going back is not going to solve these problems, or help your partner feel they can trust you.
Above all, remember that if you can do these things on a regular basis, you’re more likely to avoid unhappiness in a relationship, and have a lasting relationship that both of you want to be in.
It takes work, but isn’t your partner worth it?*
*If your partner is a serial cheater or a sociopath they may not be worth it, in which case you may want to forget you read this article until you’re in a relationship with someone you can trust.